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December 28, 2020

Turbines are Ruining Aviation

We must get rid of turbine engines. They are ruining aviation. We need to go back to big round engines. Anybody can start a turbine, you just need to move a switch from “OFF” to “START” and then remember to move it back to “ON” after a while. My computer is more difficult to start.
Cranking a round engine requires skill, finesse and style. On some planes, the pilots are not even allowed to do it. Turbines start by whining for a while, then give a small lady-like poof and start whining louder. Round engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click BANG, more rattles, another BANG, a big macho belch or two, more clicks, a lot of good smelling smoke and finally a serious low pitched roar.

We like that. It’s a guy thing.

When you start a round engine, your mind is engaged and you can concentrate on the flight ahead. Starting a turbine is like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but hardly exciting. Turbines don’t break often enough, leading to aircrew boredom, complacency and inattention. A round engine at speed looks and sounds like it’s going to blow up at any minute. This helps concentrate the mind. Turbines don’t have enough control levers to keep a pilot’s attention. There’s nothing to fiddle with during the flight. Turbines smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman lanterns. Round engines smell like God intended flying machines to smell.

I think I hear the nurse coming down the hall. I gotta go.